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  1. Better days ahead

    October 15, 2012 by Lesley

    Sometimes I find myself back in the same repetitive cycle that I’ve been trying to escape from for what seems like forever. I allow myself to think that I have broken free only to one day look around me and realize that I’m right back in the middle of it. When things get too good or feel too real I back away slowly or prepare myself for the eventual crash and burn of all of the things that caused me to feel even remotely good. I like to think of it as self-sabotage. Unintentional. Unconscious. But undoubtedly self-sabotage.

    It’s like I can’t or I don’t know how to accept the fact that good things can happen to me. At first it’s great, like this feeling of just having won the lottery. I’m ecstatic. Something good is actually happening to me. But then, after a bit, it hits me. The fact that something good is happening to me. It’s too much. And I need it to stop. There’s this amazing need to get back to the state of mediocrity I know so well because that is something I can handle. I can do bad days and okay days and life sucks days but to be happy for an extended period of time? As soon as that thought hits it’s like a button inside me is pushed and it’s called STOP.

    It’s hard to break a life cycle. It really is. And maybe it’s rare that we ever do. Maybe it’s about continually fooling yourself long enough to think that you have that you end up in an okay place until one day you hit your limit and your whole being says STOP. And then what?

    Category Life and Living | Tags: | No Comments

  2. To the Girl Who Emailed Me and Other Things of Note

    October 8, 2012 by Lesley

    This is mainly for the person who emailed me a few days ago. I tried twice to email you back, but your email wasn’t recognized and I got a notification that the email could not be delivered :( I don’t want you to think I’m ignoring you, so maybe you’ll read this.

    Essentially, what I wanted to say was that it was nice to hear from you and that I’m still going to be blogging sporadically here and there. That’s right, I haven’t totally abandoned the blog. I was 23 when I started the blog just figuring things out and now that I’m 25 I feel like I’ve come a long way. I really don’t like to re-read any of my previous posts… I guess I’m kind of like the actor who can’t bear to watch himself on the screen. But, I’ve received a lot of great responses on my blog post about being 23 and to hear that others relate really means a lot to me, more than you could ever know.

    I was watching the movie August Rush earlier today. And, for the first time in a really long time, it made me feel very alone. I’m not sure what it was. It’s a movie about a young boy who is a musical prodigy searching for his parents. He believes that music will lead them to him. It made me all sorts of weepy and emotional and just struck a chord within me. However, that being said, I was also — and might I say randomly — watching 16 and Pregnant and it made me cry, so maybe I’m just a little bit out of it these days.

    Between this post and the last it feels like much more than 4 months have passed. I had the most amazing summer of my life with my trip to Europe and I will never forget it. Some days I wish I was still on that trip. As much as I want to say that I went away and travelled and came back with all the answers and became a changed person, all I can say is that I’m a better person for it and I know more about myself than I did before I left. The experiences and memories I took away from that time are going to be with me forever.

    After the novelty of an amazing eurotrip has faded, you kind of get back into your old habits and routines. Work is slowly becoming more of a chore and life isn’t so shiny and new after being able to just forget everything and enjoy yourself for 5 weeks. This may be unfair but I feel like work is kind of stringing me along. They keep telling me that they’re going to get a shiny new office opened up in the U.S. and once that happens a job is waiting for me there. The last thing I want is to work and live in the U.S. especially in the location they’ve picked. I’ve been daydreaming about the day I can politely decline their offer and move on from here. I’ve given them more than 2 years of my life and that is by far the most I’ve ever given a job. It’s usually around the 1 year mark that I start to squirm and need a change of scenery… maybe I really have changed.

    You know, I want a lot of things. I’m not fully aware of most of the things I want but at this point in time, I know this to be true: I want the laundry to be done, I want the dishes in the sink to be washed, I want the floors in my apartment to be vacuumed, and I want to wake up tomorrow morning and for once, not be tired.

    I figure, if I go to bed now I might get one of the things I want. Goodnight :)

    Category Life and Living | Tags: | 1 Comment

  3. Sometimes I Intensely Dislike the Internet

    June 12, 2012 by Lesley

    You can’t hide from people and you can hide from people. You can pretend to be whoever you want to be on any given day but you can also be yourself more than you ever have been before. You can LOL with an unamused look on your face and :) when you’re not really that happy. Messages can be delayed, lost, “lost”, or ignored. Words can be misconstrued either on purpose or not. Words can also be cunning and calculated more so than in any real life encounter. They can also be carelessly typed with no filter at all until you press that Enter key and realize the Internet has no undo button. You can retract your statement but the Internet will hold it against you until the end of time. It’s so easy to be cruel on the Internet. But you can also be so randomly nice that you make someone’s whole day. The Internet doesn’t translate emotion well. Not sarcasm, not mild annoyance, not mild amusement, not abruptness, not any of these small but important nuances of emotions that make a person a person. But maybe most of all, the Internet has this huge array of information that while I very much enjoy it at times, there are some things I just don’t want to know.

    P. S. Europe in 2.29 weeks! :D (that’s me, excited — but alas it can’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling)

    Category Randomness | Tags: | No Comments

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